The story? Oh yeah, the story! Thankfully allergies don’t run in the family, because when ol’ Uncle Elmer (Patrick M. Wright) is hit hard by the sneezing bug and has to take leave for a summer’s hospital stay, he calls up his nephew Jack (Joe Dusic) to run his company in his absence. The Sunshine Carwash isn’t raking in the dough, but it’s not fledgling either, keeping their established clientele happy. Elmer gets a big bomb dropped on him when he learns that his medical insurance won’t cover this ailment and requests that Jack picks up business – fast! Luckily for both of them that a troupe of bikini girls on summer break from college is in need of funds for a vacation and the brainiest of the bunch, Melissa (Kristi Ducati), gets the wettest idea California has ever seen!
The Bikini Carwash Company is the reason God saw fit for mankind to invent video cameras. The early 90s skin comedy set in a place so elysian that it could only exist in the mind of horny guys everywhere and could only be seen while ‘up all night’. The world ceases to reach its fullest potential because of this. If you were to simply base your judgment of the film entirely from its concept, which has been done and spun-off from time and time again with Starhops to Gas Pump Girls and beyond, you still wouldn’t mind because the idea is just that awesome. Sometimes redundancy is brilliance. To analyze it alongside other unadorned flicks of the era, Bikini Summer for instance, The Bikini Carwash Company easily demonstrates its superiority. The old porn adage works; I watched Bikini Summer for its T&A, but I watched Bikini Carwash Company for its charming b-movie story. True, it’s not much, but in the Skinemax late-night world, it’s the difference between staying awake in the glow of silicone teets with a big… smile and falling asleep on the couch.
When Melissa’s edible underwear stockpile melts, she’s forced to take the interloper Jack for a run in order to makeup for lost profits so she and her friends can go on vacation. The birthday suit characters lack definition, but their bodies don’t as they cause 42 car pile-ups in a week on the job, keeping the sun shining on Uncle Elmer’s enterprise. To label this place a meat market for men would be completely untrue; female customers have the pleasure of the Californian Tarzan, Big Bruce (Scott James) giving them a rinse. Not getting anywhere near the screen time the babes do, the character kills two birds with one stone in providing essential comedy relief for the male crowd and some eye candy of their own for the broads being forced to watch by their guys on some boring Saturday night.
Sporting a pantyhose mask and a 50 year-old man’s hairy, untoned body, “The Flasher” terrorizes the beach and the carwash, always managing to escape Big Bruce’s muscular clutches at the last minute. Watching him wiggle his pecker (thankfully, we don’t see that) is amusing and hearing his story spread on Renegade Rock Radio after encounters is a real hoot, not to mention his cheesy “flasher-vision”, reminiscent of a crappy retro computer game that is used by the film as he locks on targets. As the great Canadian rock group Trooper once said, “every now and then, it’s got to rain” as the Sunshine Carwash ends up pissing off the DA and a judge due to the immorality of the business. Don’t you just hate it how assholes like this always show up to rain on the parade of the good people of this world? If you’re into outrageous amounts of dripping wet perfect 10s in the raw, the dying melodies of hair metal and innuendo after innuendo, you’re going to love The Bikini Carwash Company. In the words of Evan from Superbad, “that’s the world I one day want to live in”. (Brett H.)
Tale of the Tape: